Taxonomy Note
All subspecies share the vulgaris body plan: pear-shaped, bottom-heavy, antler nubs, googly eyes, tail tuft, one identifying prop. What varies is habitat and menu. The Institute lists eleven confirmed subspecies, ordered by how likely you are to be sitting near one right now.
The Circle-Back
Y. synergius - habitat: conference rooms, video calls"Yeah but let's circle back on that, take it offline, park it, put a pin in it, revisit next quarter when we have more data."
TellWears a lanyard. Owns a pin cushion labeled PARKED that contains every good idea since 2019.
Fattest mealA decision nobody wants their name on. Can survive an entire fiscal year on one deferred decision.
Kill phrase"I will own this one. Decision by Friday, and my name goes on it."
Prop for artistLanyard and a pin cushion full of pinned ideas.
SHIRT LINE: front: LET'S CIRCLE BACK back: (creature sitting on a parked decision) IT NEVER CIRCLES BACK.
The January
Y. resolutus - habitat: gym parking lots, week one"Yeah but the gym is packed in January anyway, real ones start in February, and it is basically February by March."
TellHatches December 31st at midnight. Visible from space by January 6th. Hibernates on an unused membership keytag by Groundhog Day.
Fattest mealA resolution announced out loud to a room. The bigger the announcement, the richer the meal when it lapses.
Kill phrase"Ten minutes today." (The January cannot digest small numbers. This is its central weakness.)
Prop for artistUnused gym keytag worn as a necklace, tiny sweatband, zero sweat.
SHIRT LINE: front: THE JANUARY: HATCHES DEC 31 back: EXTINCT BY TEN MINUTES A DAY.
The Basically-Done
Y. perpetuus - habitat: garages, driveways, decks"Yeah but it just needs one part, and the part is on order, and honestly the project is basically done."
TellSleeps under a car cover on a project vehicle that has been "a weekend from running" since two presidents ago. Guards a shelf holding One Part, which is always the wrong part.
Fattest mealThe phrase "basically done," which contains zero done.
Kill phrase"Thirty minutes on it this Saturday, and I order the part tonight, with the number in my hand."
Prop for artistCar cover worn as a blanket, holding a small cardboard box labeled THE PART.
SHIRT LINE: front: IT JUST NEEDS ONE PART back: (creature asleep under car cover) SINCE 2019.
The Group-Project
Y. collaboratus - habitat: schools, shared documents"Yeah but I thought YOU had that part, and nobody made a plan, and it is not fair that I always end up doing everything, which is why this time I did nothing."
TellNests inside a shared document containing four names at the top and one name in the edit history.
Fattest mealAmbiguity. A task assigned to "everyone" is a banquet laid for this creature, because "everyone" is nobody.
Kill phrase"My part is the intro, done by Thursday. Say yours back to me."
Prop for artistA group photo where it is the only one not holding anything.
SHIRT LINE: front: ASSIGNED TO EVERYONE back: EATEN BY THE GROUP-PROJECT. NAME YOUR PART.
The Proper-Channels
Y. bureaucratus - habitat: HOA meetings, permit counters"Yeah but that has to go through the proper channels, which meet quarterly, and the form you need is form 7B, which is being redesigned."
TellCarries a laminated copy of the bylaws. Has never read them either, but laminated them, which felt like reading them.
Fattest mealProcess invoked to avoid outcome. Note carefully: real process protects people; this creature only imitates it. The test is whether the channel ever produces a decision.
Kill phrase"I will walk it through the channel myself, this week, and report back with a date."
Prop for artistLaminated bylaws held like a shield, gavel it found somewhere.
SHIRT LINE: front: FORM 7B IS BEING REDESIGNED back: SINCE 1987. - THE PROPER-CHANNELS
The Somebody-Else
Y. voluntarius - habitat: potlucks, fundraisers, sign-up sheets"Yeah but somebody else will organize it, somebody always does, and I did it in 2014, which spiritually covers me forever."
TellFound grazing beside a sign-up sheet with two names on it, both of them the same tired woman.
Fattest mealThe diffusion of a small duty across a large room. Feeds forty people's worth off one blank clipboard.
Kill phrase"Put me down for the drinks." (Any line. The creature dies at the first name that is not hers.)
Prop for artistFolding chair and a paper plate, sitting directly on the sign-up sheet.
SHIRT LINE: front: SOMEBODY ELSE WILL DO IT back: YOU ARE SOMEBODY ELSE.
The After-Harvest
Y. seasonalis - habitat: farms, ranches, anywhere with weather"Yeah but after harvest. Yeah but after calving. Yeah but after winter, after planting, after the sale, after harvest again."
TellOwns a calendar with every month crossed out for a different unarguable reason. The reasons are real. That is what makes it the registry's most respected opponent.
Fattest mealThe doctor visit, the paperwork, the phone call to the brother, each deferred to a season that the seasons never produce. There is no After. There is only During.
Kill phrase"During. Twenty minutes, Tuesday, rain or shine, mid-everything."
Prop for artistSeed cap, calendar under one arm, standing in ankle-deep snow AND wheat simultaneously.
SHIRT LINE: front: AFTER HARVEST back: THERE IS NO AFTER. THERE IS ONLY DURING.
The Informed
Y. doomscrollus - habitat: phones, 1 to 3 AM"Yeah but I need to stay informed, this is basically research, and I cannot sleep anyway, probably because of everything I just read."
TellFace lit blue from below. Has strong opinions on fourteen crises and has acted on zero, including the dishes.
Fattest mealConcern converted to consumption instead of action. Being informed is real and good; this creature eats the part where informed was supposed to lead somewhere.
Kill phrase"One thing I can actually touch, then the phone docks." (See also: Harbor at Night, the family docking protocol.)
Prop for artistPhone held inches from face, tiny bags under googly eyes, 2:47 AM on a clock behind it.
SHIRT LINE: front: STAYING INFORMED back: ABOUT EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY OWN TUESDAY.
The Check's-In-The-Mail
Y. remittus - habitat: small business, invoices aged 90+ days"Yeah but the check is in the mail, accounting runs it Fridays, and your invoice hit right after the Friday, which is the worst possible luck."
TellCarries an envelope with no stamp on it. Has carried it for years. Considers the envelope proof of intent.
Fattest mealSomeone else's patience, in 30-day increments. Preys hardest on the small operator too polite to call twice.
Kill phrasePayer's version: "I will pay it today and text you the confirmation." Payee's version: "Net 30 means day 31 I call, and I am not sorry."
Prop for artistUnstamped envelope in one paw, tiny green eyeshade.
SHIRT LINE: front: THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL back: THE MAIL HAS BEEN CHECKED. IT IS NOT.
The Back-In-My-Day
Y. nostalgius - habitat: family reunions, lawn chairs"Yeah but back in my day we just dealt with it, nobody talked about their feelings, and we turned out fine."
TellOccupies the best lawn chair. Uses the past as a reason the present cannot be improved. Note the trick: the memories are usually real, and the good parts are worth keeping. The creature only eats the part where "we survived it" gets rebranded as "so nothing needs fixing."
Fattest mealA hard conversation deferred by one generation, per generation, forever.
Kill phrase"We did deal with it. And we can deal with it better, starting with me, starting now." (Registry note: the fastest recorded kill of this subspecies was performed by a grandfather, about himself, in front of everyone. Three other creatures at the same reunion died of shock.)
Prop for artistLawn chair, cooler, one sock with sandals.
SHIRT LINE: front: WE TURNED OUT FINE back: FINE IS A FLOOR, NOT A CEILING.
The Always-Done-It APEX - NOT FUNNY
Y. legacius - habitat: job sites, elevated work, confined spaces"Yeah but we always done it that way, and we been fine so far, and the paperwork takes longer than the job."
TellOldest and fattest of every subspecies on this page. Sits directly on the tie-off point. The full dossier lives on the main archive and in every toolbox talk this Institute publishes.
Why it is listed lastEvery other creature on this page eats time, money, or patience. This one has a bone pile. The Institute keeps it on the same page as the funny ones deliberately: the skill that kills The January is the same skill that kills this thing, and we want you practiced.
Kill phrase"Hands go home whole." Said by anyone on the crew, at any time, outranking everyone.
SHIRT LINE / HARD HAT DECAL: front: ONNIT CREW back: HANDS GO HOME WHOLE. YEAHBUTTS GO HOME HUNGRY.
Submit a Subspecies
The taxonomy is open. Staff, family, and field researchers may nominate creatures they have personally fed.
Send exactly eight things: Name. The excuse it feeds on. Where it nests. Its tell. Its whisper, verbatim. What feeds it fattest. The ownership phrase that kills it. One prop for the artist. One prop only: everything on this page has to survive being a two-inch sticker, and so does yours.
Fast-track criteria: a staff member reads it and says "oh no, I have one of those."